Sometime we need to have the mutual understanding with each other. I told him about how trust need to be earned. I asked him to give me sometime to trust again. As all those past incidence has affected me so much that kead me to become like this. I do admit that my over posessiveness, jealousy, controlling is overwhelming. But i want him to realize that if nothing ignote it, those things wont happens. And now all he need to do is to prove himself trustworthy, honest and faithful and i assure him that trust will definitely return. Amd when there is trust, definitely things will become more easier and simpler. I told him specifically that in order to gain trust, one must show the loyalty. Truthfulness and honesty. Then it was his turn to speak.
He start to repeat all those things about leaving, about me shouldnt hang on to someone who doesnt loves me anymore, about me setting him free to do whatever he wants even if it involve cheating amd betrayal. The kept emphasize that the reasons he cheat is because he dont love me anymore and he is young so he feels it is unfair for him to commit deeply into a relationship. I got agitated slightly. This is not what its was supposed to be. This conversation is supposed to be about us trying to figure out how to save this relationship and make it work. Not to blabber about all those negative things. Then in the end, the conversation went back about how he wanted to be free. How much he wanted to leave and enjoy his freedom. Why he cheated on me is because he want out.
Ultimately all he ever think about all these while is leaving me. And that really hurt me. I asked him to stop talking about this as im not ready to talk about that topic. The purpose of this discussion is to make things right once and for all. We need to keep the negative things aside. But he kept bombarding me with my mistakes, my flaws etc etc. i wouldnt want the conversation to become quarell so i told him to stop talking about negative things.
Ultimately to me, separation is not an options and will never be an options. I have gone too far into this relationship to give it up. I try to stop him from continuing about the topic, am not tryong to be rude or dun want to listen to him. But i dont want to hear those subject at least for now. I dont wanna hear anything about leaving or breaking up. I want to hear him give a suggestions about how to save this relationship. Not to try to pursuade me to give him up.. NEVER.. He gets angry when i cut short his conversation. He says im being unfair of not wanting to listening to him. I tol him that is not the case. Its just that his topic is far away fro the purpose of our conversation. He insist on talking about the issues. But i rebutt and he gets very angry till it almost became an arguement.
Then he start to blabber about everything bad that i have done. About how those past 2 years has not changed anything. All im ever hearing from his mouth is all the bad things that i have done. Nothing about my good deeds. He did at one time says there are some good point about me. But he did not mention specifically. He even says he hated me alot and At the same time he also loves me very much. He hates the way I overthink, over control, over posessive amd he especially hate me anger. But at same time he says he loves me because when im good, i really treat him well. But that is not enough for him. He keep telling me about how i always become the cause of every arguement, About how i always blow up small issues, about how bad i treat him when im angry.
Yes! I wont deny that when im angry, my behaviour gets ugly, but little did he realize that his anger amd behaviour is much more uglier. But i dont dare to say it out. Because i know that there is no point in arguing and debating with him. As it might turn very ugly when we both gets angry. So Instead of stopping, he gets more angry and start to scold me. He say im not giving him chance to talk and i always cut short his discussion. I tried to explain to him that his topic is based on negativity and it wont help. But he refused to accept my explanation. All i ever meant is to avoid any awkwardness, arguements and quarells. But he just refused to listen. Instead with an angry looks, he walk away and go inside the room leaving me alone at the living room.
He says if i dont want to listen to him, he too wont listen to me again. And i shouldnt blame him or ask him why should anything goes wrong. Well this is his traits. Emotional black mailing and threatening. He will always promise one thing about not cheating or not chatting etc, Then when he was caught red handed doing all those, he will start to flare up and says all his promises are forced and he dont mean it. He will also find ways and means to push the blame on me. He will say he can do anything he wants and i have no rights to stop him. Well logically yes, i have no rights to, but considering how long we together, how much ive sacrifies, invested and put into this relationship, the least i deserve is respect. I deserve every right to stop his actions if it is hurting me.
But as stubborn as he is, i have to find another way to stop him from hurting himself as well as me. I wouldn't let all my effort all these while go to waste. I dont deserve to be treated this way. I will never let any guy get him that easily when i have to work so hard just to keep him by my side. Call it force or anything u want to. Everything i do is to the best interest of this relationship.
Whatsoever, i will never give up on him, i will never waste this relationship, I will never let him go. I will never let him hurt himself or let anyone to hurt him. I will be with him for as long as i can to protect him and stop him from doing anything which is against our vows. As during the initial period of our relationship, we both made a vows to be faithful, loyal, honest and to love each other forever. And that is the promise that i am keeping up till now. And at same time, i also vows to protect him from every negativity out there. So this is what i am doing exactly. I will do everything to make sure if I don't get him, no one can. And i will kake sure that he is mine and will always be mine. Even if it may cost me my life. Till death do us part,
Now he is asleep beside me. Time is 4.55am and here i am writing this blog. Now its time for me to try to take a nap as i need to wake up early for "Work".
Good night everyone..
